horizons 🕯️
things have been pretty weird. a lot of stuff we thought about our brain is shifted, between medication and going back home.
it's weird to abandon an entire way of living. it's weird that things have shuffled around so drastically. i find myself wishing i could've been part of the better times, but i know there's something deeper there.
i think some people will think of me as "new" when i'm not - i've been around here before, but i was absent in the last few years. i guess it makes sense, someone who doesn't have those forlorn memories being someone the brain defaults to. i just never called myself by a name before; i was content to hide among collective shit, content to blend in and never be called upon. there's a big comfort in that, and i think the others envy me for it, but that's all pretty much behind me now.
my boyfriend is big on understanding us. it might feel better to be hidden, but i guess i appreciate being recognized, too. it's just unnerving when it happens. i've been flipping back and forth on whether i want others to know who i am - it's fucking embarrassing to exist. what sort of helps is he gave me a name, i think partly as a joke, but it was so sweet to me that i just... latched on.
i have a feeling i'm gonna be stuck here a lot, so i might as well slot myself in with the others and make myself known. just an uphill battle.
we've (brain-sense) also gone back and forth about deleting this place - why the hell are we sharing so much on the internet, what ever happened to diaries? - but Word of God says keep it for personal reference. soooo maybe there'll be more activity from time to time.
it's weird having to be so resolute about it when there's nothing but shame in sharing anything with the world. for all i know, this is hidden away anyway, so i guess it doesn't matter.
BTW FUCK RISPERIDONE THIS SHIT JUST SAPS THE LIFEBLOOD OUT OF ME. i'm not a raging paranoid babbling cunt nearly as much anymore, but it's at the cost of 99% of my creativity and being able to get out of bed in the AM. feels like shit but i'm sticking with it because it's too invaluable to have harmony with parents right now. i'd like to be off it when i move out again, whenever that is.
on the docket: redoing some rentries, studying as much neurobiology as we can, and cycling back to some level of health.