intermission š
it's hard to understand love when it's not in a way you can feel it, not in a way you want, not in a way that lasts with who you truly are
moving back in hasn't been all bad. i don't have to worry about some things and they're outright kind to me sometimes. i like when they share food with me
sometimes i remember that day the cops got called and i want to throw up. sometimes my bonds outside of them are strained and sometimes i wonder if i'll even be able to retain them. i wish i didn't have to pick between family and other relationships, but there are some views that either side will never budge from and i just never know what to do. i've always been a malleable being, always been fluid - i can bury a self if i have to - but my own flexibility doesn't matter at all when i have to pick between two solid poles
(i know what i'd pick, because there's only one side that loves me unconditionally. but i can't bear the truth that the other side would throw me out in a heartbeat. there's a logical side and an emotional side, and i can't help but stick to the emotional. i'm stalling as long as i can.)
i don't know where to go from here, though. every day, i'm terrified for the future. i feel like nothing is truly an option. there's no way to express how horrible it is that a single person chewing gum can send me into a crying self-harming frenzy in public. there's nothing i can do. i beat myself in the head, i bite into my hands and arms, cold sweating and hyperventilating. you want to laugh at me, right? isn't it funny? i'm sure you'd also love to know that there's no treatment, no medication, no therapy that can truly alleviate it. i'm told to practice breathing and pretend it isn't there, while the sounds and movements penetrate into my skull deeper than any other trauma i've dealt with. imagine something worse than the worst you've ever been through, repeated and inescapable, as common as sleeping and breathing.
i want to pursue science - i have to, if i want my life to progress - but i can't get away from this, especially in academic environments, especially in a lab. it just makes me wish i was dead. but here i am, still clinging to some hope of getting to live a life with my partner
i just don't know when that day will ever come. the harder i try to move out and build my own life, the closer i get, but... the worse my condition gets. the more strained everything becomes. is anything ever worth it? does struggle truly contribute?
i don't think so, i think i'm rotting away. i think there's a point where you become something nobody can love at all, a point where you're nothing but a hopeless burden.
but, like it's always been, i don't think i really have a choice. i'm supposed to... so i have to.
i don't know what direction this will take me, but i just hope that unconditional love doesn't fade with my own decomposition