living jar š¦¢š¾
i am beginning to understand the concept of "eternal"
i cannot always win. things will not always go well for me. that's fine - i just wish it made sense. i wish that people who claimed to be the most significant contributions to my life would bother to accept anything about this life.
but on the other side, those who are not my blood run deeper and warmer in my veins. there are people on the internet that i've never shared deep words with that i feel understand me more personally, are more willing to accept me, than those who have known me since birth
i think i could have been normal if i wasn't forced into some things. if i didn't try to mold myself for others time and time again. this time is a lot different - i feel like myself. i feel woven by nature, carved by Grace
but there is no home to return to, there is only home to leave, in this moment. it's an awkward dichotomy, and so much worse when i'm so torn within, between what i want to be and what i want to do, if i want to give up or what i can even strive for
the pieces all came apart to survive the last few years, but i can't seem to pull them back together in a way that makes other people satisfied. only myself. and then, i am no more than a leech, a bother.
but when you spend all those years tailoring yourself... is it selfish to balance it with years of throwing your hands up and saying I AM DONE? i don't think so.
i deeply appreciate when i scour the web and find others like me. others who explore themselves without regard, and build the most beautiful lives from it. i thank these souls for showing me it's okay to be who i am, it's just a matter of asserting that.
it is a shame not all spaces can be twisted. it is a shame i cannot find home in family. but i don't feel hopeless. meaningless - but perhaps there is still light. don't you see Grace for a reason? for purpose?
today: I do not feel hopeless, so I will continue.