millions of years of evolution šŖ¦šļø
and i am still ruled by instincts, as all animals are. i worry about my place in the world a lot: aren't i wasteful? aren't i a drain? sometimes it doesn't matter to me at all, but it would be wrong of me to accept existence, knowing i am - so far in life - a net negative.
sometimes, though, i don't feel so pointless. sometimes i feel like i do not need a point. i am very thankful for those moments: existing within memory. it feels less like a drain, and more like i have built my own presence, like i am permitted to exist by the electrical agreement of those around me. my boyfriend is my brightest beacon, and always there to make my day better. sometimes my friends pull me along, out of the pit i can't help falling into. i'm not so sure they all know how bad it gets, but i'm sure it's more obvious than i think... i wish it wasn't obvious at all, i wish nobody knew.
and how hypocritical, writing this all out with identifiers on a vanity URL... but i can remain blissfully unaware of any eyes, for how do i even know you're real? you do not speak and i do not see you, so you may browse my cells with as much scrutiny as you please. pick me apart, dissect me, learn me. i yearn so deeply to be known, but it's too much of a strain to watch myself be known in real-time, knowing how temporary i am, knowing how new i am. in a place like this, it doesn't matter: it is a snapshot in time. i exist, there is no urgency, there is no tension.
i think that is why i use this. it feels nice to exist. perhaps in the moments that i feel lost and adrift in the world, i will use this more.