n/a š
i did not ask to be like this. i did not ask for disorders that seem to be "perfectly tailored" to ruin my own life. i don't know why people look at me like this. i don't know why i was born and fated to be a lost cause for everything. i can't work normal jobs - why? at the root, it's because of chewing. i can't fulfill normal college expectations - why? chewing. i can't do discord calls. chewing. i can't go to the grocery store. chewing. i can't go to sleep in my own residence, because my neighbors take kindly to blasting their television against my wall to inject bass into my skull from one morning to the next - so what's the answer?
my "skills" consist of things that nobody would pay a living wage for, unless i sell my body, my soul, my mind - and i know, for most, this is the case. but how do i integrate myself with the EXPECTED troubles of the world, when i already cannot handle talking to someone kind if they naturally have a voice that sends me into fight or flight? how do i receive help for this issue to resolve it, when i cannot afford the help, because i cannot integrate myself with the world... how do you ever get better?
the people who can afford therapy, the people with access to it, the people who can reach help and decide NOT to: i beg of you, take the GOD DAMN meds. be honest with your therapist. please take advantage of the help you actually HAVE access to.
i'm so fucking tired. i just want to rest. i haven't been out of a misophonia panic attack for a single second in the last STRAIGHT MONTH. sometimes, in bed, i truly feel as if i'm so stressed out that my heart is going to fail.
why does this disorder even fucking exist. i literally cannot fathom a worse fate than being blocked off from EVERYTHING. it's at the point where if someone starts talking, and i can HEAR the shape of their mouth warping around something inside it, i have to mute them or leave the room or blast my ears out with music, if i can't do the first two. do you know how often people do this? do you know how many people chew, constantly, on SOMETHING?
and none of them are doing anything wrong. i am condemned solely because i made the mistake of living.